


the stars are just old light

by Lirazel



Category: Infinite (Band), K-POP RPF, K-pop, Korean Pop, Kpop - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-26
Updated: 2012-06-26
Packaged: 2017-11-08 18:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/446249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lirazel/pseuds/Lirazel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungyeol has always been the lightest of sleepers, and it doesn’t surprise Myungsoo at all that as soon as Sungyeol feels the shifting of the mattress, he stirs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the stars are just old light

The dorm is quiet when he finally gets home, and his relief tastes sharp in his mouth. He doesn’t bother with turning on any of the lights, just shuffles across the cool floor in his socks and fumbles in the darkness for the doorknob to his room. The room is full of Dongwoo’s deep breathing, Sungyeol’s slightly faster breaths, the hum of the air conditioner behind it all, and Myungsoo has never been so glad to be home.

His head is throbbing as he shucks off his shirt and jeans, dropping them on the floor, and tugs on sweats and a t-shirt from the pile by the door—they’re probably someone else’s, and dirty, but right now he just doesn’t care. He feels sort of grimy, like his skin is coated with a layer of makeup and someone else’s feelings, but he doesn’t have the energy for a shower as much as he wants one. He’s been trying to blink away the grit in his eyes the whole way home, but they still feel too dry, like his eyelids are made of sandpaper scraping over the raw tissue. All he’s been wanting to do for hours and hours now is just to collapse into bed, but now that he’s here, the effort of climbing up to the top bunk just seems like too much. The sheets would be cool against his skin, he knows, but suddenly that doesn’t seem like enough.

Someone left the light on in the bathroom and cracked open the door just a little, so he has enough light to see that Sungyeol’s sleeping on his side, his face towards the wall. Myungsoo stands there watching him for a moment, curling and uncurling his hands into fists—they’re only shaking a little—before he says to hell with it.

Sungyeol has always been the lightest of sleepers, and it doesn’t surprise Myungsoo at all that as soon as Sungyeol feels the shifting of the mattress, he stirs. 

“Wha—Myungsoo? What?” He’s still half-asleep, peering over his shoulder, and with his big eyes blinking like that he looks more like an owl than he ever did doing impressions on any variety show. 

Myungsoo pushes him back to his previous position and settles on his own side behind him. “Go back to sleep.”

Sungyeol must have been right in the middle of his deepest sleep, because despite the confused look on his face—his hair a tangled mess half-falling over his eyes, pillow marks marring his cheek—he obeys. Myungsoo lets out a sigh of relief; the last thing he wants to do is to explain to his best friend why he felt the need to crawl into bed with him for the first time ever. He knows he’ll have to in the morning, far earlier than he’ll want to be awake, and the thought is almost enough to drive him back to his own bed so that he can tell Sungyeol it was all a dream. But right now he can’t quite manage that.

The pounding in his head has died down just a little, but his eyes still feel like they’re burning even now that they’re closed and he feels wrung out and abandoned, an old wet rag on the floor. He presses his forehead into the space between Sungyeol’s sharp shoulder blades, breathing in the scent of laundry detergent and Sungyeol, and he feels some of the tightness in his chest ease. This is what he needed: physical contact, something living and real and concrete to latch onto, and even if he still feels awkward reaching out in this way, he can’t help but do it anyway. He remembers how he first felt when the members were told that they should touch each other more because the fans love it; he’d felt strange and a little scared, and it had been hard for him. He thinks now that it was because he was scared that the other guys would push him away or stare at him like he was crazy or disgusting, that the fear of rejection had been what kept him so physically distant from people all his life. Once he finally figured out that that wasn’t going to happen, it was like a wall came tumbling down inside him of him and all of a sudden he couldn’t get enough. Sungyeol laughs and calls him clingy, paying almost no attention to when Myungsoo attaches himself to his back; Dongwoo just hugs him back even harder; Woohyun slings an arm around his shoulders and lets Myungsoo curl into him; Sungjong leans against him like Myungoo’s the only thing holding him up. And Myungsoo can’t stop: touching, reaching, latching on. It’s as though this is just what he’d been craving all along but never felt he had permission to take, and now that he does, he’s a glutton for it. 

But this, pressed up against his best friend in Sungyeol’s narrow bed, is different. He’s never done this before. And if Sungyeol weren’t in the deepest part of his sleep cycle, probably he would have jerked fully awake and would now be teasing and grilling Myungsoo for details. It proves just how much Myungsoo needs this right now that he was willing to risk that.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to Sungyeol. There are a lot of things Myungsoo wants to ask him, a lot of things that he knows he’ll never put words to. They’ve been bouncing around in his head for hours now, even when he was filming. The PD gave him instructions, Myungsoo forced himself to break down into tears, they filmed, the PD complimented him then gave him more instructions, they did it all again. And through it all, somehow the only thing Myungsoo was able to think about was all the things he wanted to ask Sungyeol.

_i don’t know why you want to do this it’s kind of awful why do you want to feel all these feelings that you don’t have to feel aren’t you scared you’ll lose yourself how do you tell where the lines are wouldn’t it be scarier to be good at this than to be bad at it?_

And the irony isn’t lost on him that he’s been playing a role for years now, but crying Hyunsoo’s tears somehow feels different than putting on the L concept for the screaming fans. Hyunsoo’s anger and his fierce pride and his insecurities are so much more vivid than L’s coolness, they have sharper edges that snag on something inside Myungsoo. They don’t have very much in common, Myungsoo and Hyunsoo, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Being Hyunsoo just feels like too much, and Myungsoo knows that that’s because the writing is so good, the character so well-crafted, and he’s humbled that they’re letting him put his grubby mark on this drama at all. It’s good, really good, even Myungsoo knows that, and Sung Joon had confirmed it— _better than anyone expected it to be_. 

Myungsoo knows that Sungyeol would kill to be part of something of this quality, and he’s been feeling this gnawing guilt ever since they offered him the role. He didn’t even go after it, it just sort of happened, and he knows that it was more about his name and his face than it was about any skills that he has. For all his politeness, the PD hadn’t quite been able to hide his skepticism about Myungsoo’s abilities the first time they met, and he knows that sometimes the man gets exasperated with him. But Myungsoo’s been sort of clinging to those reactions because he feels like he deserved them, little reminders that this wasn’t his dream, that he hadn’t worked hard for it like Sungyeol has, that it’s just on loan for a little while. But the PD had been genuinely pleased with his performance today—Myungsoo had seen the sincerity in his eyes, had heard it in his voice when he told him he’d done well—and that had made him feel almost as sick as putting himself through the emotional wringer as Hyunsoo had. It felt like…a betrayal. Which is stupid. Sungyeol is really pleased for him, he knows that. He’s been nothing but supportive in his teasing Sungyeol way, and Myungsoo has even heard him bragging about it to people—the stylist noonas, interviewers, even his mom on the phone—that Myungsoo got this great role in a drama and he’s doing really well with it.

Myungsoo _knows_ that Sungyeol is happy for him, knows that Sungyeol would never, ever take this away. But when he closes his eyes these days, all he can see is that flash of pain that sparked across Sungyeol’s when Myungsoo fumbled through telling him about the offer. It only lasted for a second, and the smile that followed had been genuine, but Myungsoo remembers. He knows what that flash meant: it meant: _why you?_ and _why not me?_ and _with_ Jiu _it was a one-off and in another language and it didn’t mean anything but this is different and this is real_ and _i’ve tried so hard for so long and this is my dream and it feels so far away and now someone’s offering it to you_. And the thing is: all of that is true, so true that Myungsoo can’t get it out of his mind. It coats the inside of his mouth, sticky and acidic, and none of the other members understand why he doesn’t really want to talk about filming at all. They’re used to him not being the most communicative of people, but he knows his answers have been even more monosyllabic than usual, and the other guys notice. 

Sungyeol has to notice, too. Myungsoo’s been feeling a distance between himself and Sungyeol since this whole thing started, and he knows it’s his own fault. Sungyeol hasn’t been pulling away; Myungsoo has, letting the guilt wedge its way in between them. It’s a stupid thing to do and it’s exactly what he feared when they first offered him the role—even before the excitement and the nervousness there was this moment of panic: _what will this do to me and Sungyeol?_

On the surface, nothing has changed: they still tease and shove each other around and steal each other’s things and eat out of the same bowl. But the difference is there and Myungsoo can feel it, and he’s never hated anything so much.

The cotton of Sungyeol’s shirt is soft against his forehead in that way that only a t-shirt can be after years of wear and washings. Myungsoo allows himself to tangle his fingers in the bottom of it, keeping his feet away from Sungyeol’s—his feet are always cold, and he doesn’t want to wake Sungyeol up again. He breathes in and out, forcing himself to take each breath slowly, and each breath is like a thing he can’t ever say to Sungyeol but that he wants him to know so badly:

_if i could have given this to you, i would have_

_i know you deserve this so much more than i do but i’m working hard to be worthy of it_

_the fact that you’re happy for me breaks my heart because you’re so much better of a person than i could ever be_

_if this really does hurt our friendship i will never forgive myself_

_i want you to be happy more than i want anything else in the world_

_you’re the best thing about infinite to me_

_please don’t let me destroy us_

He can never say any of those things, but he feels them coursing through him like they’re in his bloodstream, even more insistent now that Sungyeol is so close to him. Myungsoo wants to be closer, wants to hollow Sungyeol out till he can crawl inside him and stay there forever. But this will have to do: his forehead against Sungyeol’s back, his fingers knotted up in Sungyeol’s t-shirt, his breath mapping out all the things he’ll never say onto the thin fabric covering Sunyeol’s skin.

In the morning, Sungyeol will come awake all at once and probably push him out of bed. He’ll make jokes about how he knows he’s irresistible but Myungsoo has to exhibit some kind of self-control. His words will be teasing, but there will be a question in his eyes, a question he doesn’t quite know how to ask. And Myungsoo will kick him from his place on the floor and mock him for being so full of himself, and he’ll say he was just too lazy to climb up to his bunk and he won’t explain anything else. 

But maybe that will be enough to answer the question in Sungyeol’s eyes, and maybe this tension that Myungsoo’s been exuding will ease just a little bit and maybe Sungyeol will make him coffee and tell Woohyun and Hoya about how Myungsoo can’t keep his hands off Sungyeol’s body and maybe they’ll all tease him about it all day long between getting their makeup done and photoshoots and dance practice and maybe everything will be okay.

( _Myungsoo hopes._ )


End file.
